A lot of you have read and responded to yesterday's post, and I want to add a couple more thoughts. First of all, a post on "rules" doesn't sound very romantic. After all, wouldn't it be a better time to talk about passion? But I'm convinced that having solid boundaries such as these makes it possible to have a passionate marriage. We both have the settled security of knowing that our spouse is not out there flirting with someone else or griping about us. So we have total freedom with each other.
And I thought of two more "rules" - one that has been great, and the other that has not been practical.
For years and years now we have shared an email inbox. Danny set up the computer so that all of our email accounts - work, school, and personal - empty into one inbox on Outlook. For some professions (pastors, counselors, etc) I suppose that would not be possible because of confidentiality issues. But it's been great for us. I see all his emails with co-workers and he sees all of mine with classmates. It's great accountability to ask myself, "How would Danny feel reading this?" And it's also nice to have the inside scoop on each other's world.
Another rule hasn't worked out as well. Someone suggested years ago, perhaps in pre-marital counseling, that if either of us have an acquaintance with a member of the opposite sex we should make a point to know their spouse even better than we know them. We thought that was a great idea, but there are a few hang-ups. If I have class for 30 hours in a semester with a professor or a male classmate and I collaborate on a school project, when will I have an opportunity to spend time with their wives? What about Danny's co-workers who are single females? There is no spouse to get to know! And there's no way I will be able to see them as much as he does. So this one hasn't worked out in practice, but it has been a good ideal to hold out there in our minds. Whenever possible, I like to meet and get to know my professors' wives. And I often ask my male classmates about their wives and kids, or talk about Danny. It's helpful to keep the whole family in view (when possible). And with single friends of the opposite sex it's important not to become a confidant or relational counselor unless you can do it together as a couple. It's different, of course, if you are a professional counselor or on pastoral staff, but the same caution holds true.
The Right Rules => The Right Romance (i.e. with your spouse, not someone else!)
Monday, June 28, 2010
rules or romance?
Dr. Carmen Imes is the Associate Professor of Old Testament at Prairie College in Three Hills, Alberta, and serves the broader church through teaching, speaking, and writing. She earned a PhD in Biblical Theology (Old Testament) from Wheaton College under Dr. Daniel Block, an MA in Biblical Studies from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary (Charlotte), and a BA in Bible and Theology from Multnomah University. She and her husband, Danny, served as missionaries with SIM 15 years. They have three children: Ana, Emma, and Easton.