Trust Without Borders

Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders. 
Let me walk upon the water wherever you would call me. 
(Hillsong, "Oceans")

If your church is like ours, you've sung this song innumerable times. Did you mean it? How did God answer your prayer?

He has answered ours in a very surprising way.

In March we announced to our financial supporters that we were taking a step of faith by resigning from SIM, the mission we've served with since 2002. After 15 wonderful years of ministry with SIM, we felt God moving us into full-time teaching ministry. We hoped that a full-time job would materialize for me, but even if it didn't, we knew what we were called to do: Danny would focus on keeping our household running smoothly so that I could devote my energy to teaching. Lots of people step out in faith to become missionaries; our step of faith meant no longer raising financial support. Danny moved down to part-time with SIM while we explored possibilities.

We knew what we wanted -- to stay planted in Oregon and keep teaching (preferably with a full-time salary), to keep investing in these students and these relationships. But when no doors opened in Oregon for a full-time job, we began checking job postings in other locations. We knew this year could be a roller-coaster. Most schools post academic jobs around the beginning of the fall semester to begin the following academic year. That makes for a long season of uncertainty about what's next. How much energy would we spend imagining life in different locations, waiting for an interview?

But God had a surprise in store.

The Maxwell Center, Prairie's Main Administration Bldg

At the tail end of May, when hope in Oregon had dried up and we were buckling in for the long roller-coaster ahead, a job was posted at Prairie College in Three Hills, Alberta. Their need was urgent. They wanted to have an Old Testament professor in place by July 1st. Gulp.

They say that if you're the least bit open to taking a job, you should apply for it. I remembered having a good impression of Prairie when I was in high school, looking for a college. It's a small school well off the beaten trail with a long history of sending missionaries all over the world. Crazy as it sounded, I applied.

I figured there was little chance of an American being hired. Canadians would be given priority. But applying was a matter of due diligence. The up side was that there would be no long roller coaster with this one.

The next couple of weeks were a flurry of research. When I emerged less than 2 weeks later as the top candidate for the position, we felt the weight of the decision. We wanted to go in with our eyes wide open. This would be a major transition for the entire family -- not something to be taken lightly.

We scrambled to talk with mentors, read about the school, and explore the area online. I made a long list of questions and concerns. Danny started working on a budget. And we prayed. If we said 'yes,' we would be crossing an international border, with a complicated and expensive immigration process ahead.

Danny and Carmen, Alberta Bound

In late June, Danny and I flew up to Calgary where we were greeted by a friendly colleague and a vibrant landscape of rolling green prairie with a stunning sunset. During the 75-minute drive to Three Hills, we started in on our long list of questions. We had a number of concerns about the job, and we had asked friends to pray for confirmation and clarity. Over the next 48 hours, we were surprised as our concerns melted away one by one. We loved the little town of Three Hills. The houses were nicer. The schools were stronger. The area was more beautiful. The salary was higher than we thought. My course load was less than we thought. We thoroughly enjoyed getting to know the faculty, staff, and students on campus. In the end, we wanted the job.

Imagine my surprise to discover that God had been making arrangements for this job since birth.

Scenic View not far from Three Hills

On our final morning there, I received a text from my Dad that still floors me whenever I think of it. He was born in Canada, which I knew, but none of us had ever wondered what this meant for me and my brother. I assumed that he became a US citizen when he married my mom and that his Canadian citizenship was a thing of the past by the time I was born. But it wasn't. He waited until I was four years old to become a US Citizen. Chances are high that he is still a dual citizen, though he didn't realize it then. And the clincher: it's almost certain that my brother and I are dual citizens. We were born outside Canada to a Canadian citizen. That's all it takes. In fact, my children are likely dual citizens as well, since they were born to a dual citizen prior to 2009 (when the laws about the second generation changed).

Carmen with Mark (President) and Elaine (CFO) Maxwell

This will make the process of immigrating to Canada far less complicated and expensive. We simply need to pay a fee to have our records checked and a certificate issued that proves our citizenship.

When my official job offer came, there was another surprise -- a part-time job for Danny that fits his skill set beautifully.

So we said "yes"!  

We're in the throes of packing, selling our house, writing syllabi for fall classes, ordering passports for the kids, and saying our goodbyes.

Parable Place, where Carmen's Torah class will meet

Our God is full of surprises. We didn't expect to cross an international border again, but we're eager to see what God has in store for us in Canada. As I said in my sample lecture at Prairie, God has lessons to teach us that can only be learned in a state of dislocation. No doubt we'll have challenges ahead. But we're confident that the same God who has called us out upon the waters will be right there with us.

life in the middle of nowhere

Does life have you doing circles in the desert?

If so, you're not alone. And God hasn't given up on you.

Last week, the summer edition of the Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary Alumni Magazine, Contact, was released. It includes the devotional I gave at the Gordon-Conwell Alumni Breakfast at SBL last November, as well as a write-up of Anne Doll's phone interview with me, where we talked about how to make it in grad school as a family of five.

For those of you who are "in between," waiting to step into a season of fulfillment, this devotional is my gift to you, the fruit of my own desert wanderings. Here's a snippet:

In those "in-between" places, we are faced with many questions. We are no longer certain about who we are. We are not sure how God is leading, or even if he's leading. In our desperation to restore a sense of order to our lives, we're always in danger of adopting the wrong narrative. But God has us right where He wants us. He has lessons to teach us that can only be learned in a state of dislocation. Lessons about who we are. About who He is. And how He's calling us to be in the world. 

Read the rest here. You can find my contribution on pages 30–33.

silver linings

Some seasons of life we'd rather not endure. Heavy black clouds dampen everything and choke out joy. We long to turn the corner, to pack up and move on. But there are graces even on the darkest day, graces we cannot see in the sunshine. If we have the courage to stare into the blackness with our eyes wide open, looking for Him, we'll discover untold riches.

When trials are more than we can bear alone, we discover that we are not alone. Hugs are longer. Prayers are deeper. And the Scriptures come alive in fresh ways. We realize anew that He knows what we're going through, and He made provision for us long before we entered this valley. What's more, our eyes are opened to the sufferings of others. We recognize the burdens they carry, because we've carried them, too.

When things look bleak, we discover the power of gratitude. Each hour not saturated in trouble becomes a gift. Each good night's sleep a blessing. Each friend who knows and cares a boon to the soul. Each part of life not touched by trouble carries a new sparkle that we once missed. When our appetite returns and our stomach behaves normally, we receive it with thanks.

When perspective is hard to gain and harder to keep, we discover the urgency of spiritual disciplines. We no longer read the Scriptures because we should, but because we must just to make it through the day.  Confession and forgiveness have immediate bearing on our ability to cope. It no longer seems like a stretch to pray without ceasing.

Spiritual hunger is one of the gifts God grants us when life is hard. So are gratitude and deeper community.
Though I don't suggest that we wish for suffering, when it comes (and it will) we can open our arms to receive what God has to give us in that season. The black clouds of suffering always come with the silver linings of his grace. We can't necessarily discern it right away, but if we keep staring, we'll learn to see what's there.

remembering Dr. Reeve

Dr. Pamela Reeve, age 96

A giant of a lady entered into glory last Saturday.

Dr. Pamela Reeve couldn't have been more than 5 feet tall, but she exuded strength and compassion more than twice her size. She had the special gift of making people feel completely at ease. Nothing you said could shock or dismay her. With Dr. Reeve you felt safe to share anything. She treated everything you said as a treasure — something truly precious.

Danny and I had the privilege of taking Dr. Reeve's "Intro to Counseling" class during the semester we were engaged to be married. What better time to work on interpersonal relationships! Dr. Reeve supplied us with the perspective and the tools we needed to build a healthy foundation for our marriage. Fifteen years later, we're still thinking about the lessons we learned in that class—lessons about brokenness, suffering, faith, respect and caring.

Dr. Reeve pioneered the first ever women's ministry program in the nation and mentored generations of  men and women during her 49 years of service at our alma mater, Multnomah University. I count it a privilege to have been one of them. All praise to our God for Dr. Reeve's lifetime of ministry!

this summer by the numbers

I realize the irony of writing this post after the last one, but rest assured that none of these numbers define who I am. They just give you a picture of what I've been up to this summer!

0 - landlords on the planet who are better than ours
1 - core dissertation chapter left to write

2 - new cousins our kids gained this summer (wahoo!)
3 - VBS programs our kids participated in this year

4 - total number of core chapters in my dissertation

5 - years since Easton was born
5 - live paintings I did on stage during VBS

6 - hour drive to Honey Rock to pick up Eliana

10 - days Emma and Easton had swimming lessons

12 - total days Eliana will spend at Honey Rock

15 - years Danny and I have been married
16 - years old our oldest neice is - old enough to come visit us!

17 - days' notice we had before Danny's brother got married

18 - days until school starts
27 - number of camp scholarships raised by VBS kids

32 - books left on my comprehensive reading list

36 - years since I was born (as of today)

43 - days until my next chapter is due

45 - weeks until our lease is up in Wheaton

48 - months this blog has been running
91 - pages in my latest dissertation chapter
125 - kids in our church's VBS program

188 - books I have finished on my comps list
189 - approximate gallons of latex seal coating Danny applied to driveways with our landlord

207 - days until my defense draft is due
235 - total pages I have written so far

273 - pictures I took at Danny's brother's wedding
280 - days until graduation
315 - total number of blog posts I have published
1,349 - dollars the kids brought during VBS to help fund camp scholarships through Sports Friends

2,589 - pages left to read carefully for comps

15,232 - total pages to read carefully for comps

26,171 - words in the chapter I turned in yesterday
34,182 - pageviews on my blog to date

73,080 - words I have written for my dissertation

100,000 - dissertation words I am allowed to write

limitless - grace of God that has carried us through another season!

five . . . and loving him all the way

Our baby is 5 today. Incredible.

Easton's first ride on the tag-a-long bike with Dad!

It's hard to imagine a more delightful kid than Easton. He's so utterly adorable, so funny and eager to learn. He's a joy to parent and so full of love.

He's been thinking long and hard about what he wants for his birthday. After much consideration, he settled on a BIG HUG. :) We've been practicing all week so we can get it right.

A friend of mine from seminary is embarking on a journey as a foster parent. She blogged this week about the challenges of learning to love and let go. Her words are priceless. And she reminded me that none of us know how many days we'll have with our children. They are on loan to us from God. We have to chose between holding back
and loving them "all the way," no matter what the future holds.

One of Emma's classmates underwent a 3-hour surgery on her skull yesterday afternoon. On Tuesday the girls were playing softball together. No issues. Today Addy is hospitalized and recovering from major surgery. We just never know what will come our way. We just have to love them while we can.

Easton started out in a sleeping bag on the floor,
but this is where he ended up.

As I wrote this last night Easton was upstairs, giggling with Emma in her room, where he had a "sleepover." I don't think they talked long. The last thing I heard was ...

Easton: I need my "birthday sleep"!
Emma: I need my "beauty sleep." Goodnight, birthday boy!
Easton: Goodnight, beauty girl!




Happy Birthday, Easton! I'm so thankful I get to be your mom!

need doctrinal counseling? join the club.

Five years ago, D. A. Carson critiqued H. Richard Niebuhr's classic typology of ways to relate Christ and culture. (For a PhD seminar this semester I've read Niebuhr along with primary sources that more or less illustrate his various categories.) Carson claims Niebuhr's categories are not mutually exclusive, and that no one model can stand on its own.

"[E]ven the most intellectually robust theory of how things work, or ought to work, falters in practice within a generation or two, because human beings falter: we overlook something, or we distort the balance of things, or, because this is a fallen and broken world, our well-intentioned actions invite a nasty reaction on the part of unbelievers, and the tension between Christ and culture spins off in some new direction." (D. A. Carson, Christ & Culture Revisited, 224–25, emphasis mine)

This is not just true of the "Christ and culture" question, but also of Christian theology in general. I've had a wonderfully diverse Christian experience, partly because Danny and I have moved 11 times in our 14 years of marriage. This has forced us to rethink "church" again, and again, and again. At times, it's been confusing.

I was baptized as an infant in the Christian Reformed Church, where our family stayed until I made public profession of faith at age 11. Not long afterwards, we left the CRC to join a vibrant charismatic community, where we experienced spiritual growth, healing, and a new appreciation for the work of the Holy Spirit and the love of Christian community. When that church disbanded, we helped start a non-denominational church. Unfortunately, that also ended badly, so we sought refuge in a Foursquare church. Four years later I headed off to a progressive dispensationalist Bible College, where my church attendance depended on available transportation: Baptist, non-denominational elder-led, and finally Mennonite, after I met and married Danny. We served first in the elder-led church, and then in the Mennonite church until we moved to the Philippines as missionaries, where we attended a non-denominational Tagalog-speaking and a charismatic English-speaking church. When we moved to Charlotte, NC, we attended an Evangelical Free church until a move across town brought us to Good Shepherd United Methodist Church, where we became members. We're currently attending a Baptist church during our sojourn in Wheaton, but we're still receiving financial support from our Mennonite sending church in Oregon, and our UMC church in Charlotte. Are you dizzy yet?

I am. Last week I scheduled an appointment for "doctrinal counseling" with one of my professors to try to find out how to keep the best parts of each of these church traditions without being theologically schizophrenic. I have a deep appreciation for certain aspects of each of the churches I have called home. Each has strengths and weaknesses, making it difficult to choose just one. My conversation with Dr. Treier was helpful in sorting through various doctrinal positions to see which can be fruitfully combined.

Reading Carson's book has also helped. His closing words urge us to listen to the whole witness of Scripture in our development of doctrine. He says,

"To pursue with a passion the robust and nourishing wholeness of biblical theology as the controlling matrix for our reflection on the relations between Christ and culture will, ironically, help us to be far more flexible than the inflexible grids that are often made to stand in the Bible's place. Scripture will mandate that we think holistically and subtly, wisely and penetratingly, under the Lordship of Christ — utterly dissatisfied with the anesthetic of culture. The complexity will mandate our service, without insisting that things turn out a certain way: we learn to trust and obey and leave the results to God, for we learn from both Scripture and history that sometimes faithfulness leads to awakening and reformation, sometimes to persecution and violence, and sometimes to both. Because creation gave us embodied existence, and because our ultimate hope is resurrection life in the new heaven and the new earth, we will understand that being reconciled to God and bowing to the Lordship of King Jesus cannot possibly be reduced to privatized religion or a form of ostensible spirituality abstracted from full-orbed bodily existence now." (227–28, emphasis mine)

Flexibility is a hallmark of the emerging generation, and it, too, can be a weakness if by flexible we mean spineless or infinitely "open." Truth matters, and so does our expression of that truth. But I'm glad that there is more than one way to "do church," and that we can all learn from one another. Our response to the truth of Scripture is not scripted in advance or limited by our cultural context. That's beautiful.

just one year

my second chapter in progress

They say the first year goes by quickly, and that it should be cherished. (By this I'm pretty sure Carter's means that you should go ahead and buy lots of darling outfits for your baby, because they'll only be that little for a short time—a clever marketing gimmick!) It's true. Time flies.

But I hope this year does not. Danny informed me yesterday that I have exactly one year before my dissertation defense draft is due (click here if you need a refresher on what that is). I'm shooting for a defense date of April 11, 2014. That means it's time to buckle up and buckle down!

my second chapter ... finally done!

A Wheaton dissertation must be no more than 100,000 words (roughly 300 pages). I've written over 40,000 words so far (about 130 pages). Last week I turned in my second of four main chapters. Today I'm revising my first chapter. Next week I'll dive into my third.

I'm still taking one PhD Seminar and studying Ugaritic, but in two months I'll be ABD, with nothing standing between me and the deadline. Eliana (11), who doesn't miss a trick, has begun telling her friends they can call me Dr. Imes.

Easton celebrates progress!

Meanwhile, I'm chipping away at my comprehensive reading list, and the kids are cheering me on every step of the way. After I turned in my second chapter, Danny and the kids picked me up from the library and whisked me away to Olive Garden to celebrate. I had barely opened the van door when Easton (4) asked cheerfully, "Mom, are you done with your PhD?"

Not yet, buddy. But I'm getting closer!

2012 Family Video

copyright Lifetouch (used by permission)

My talented husband put together a 6-1/2 minute video of our family's adventures in 2012. If you'd like to watch it, click here. Special highlights include Easton's recitation of Hebrews 4:12 from memory, his impersonation of a Thanksgiving turkey, and his enthusiastic narration.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas holiday. Thanks for coming along for the ride in 2012!

four

Yesterday was an exciting day at our house. Easton turned four! I arrived home from Notre Dame in time to celebrate with the family. Indeed, we have much to celebrate. Our baby is now dressing himself, brushing his own teeth, done with diapers, and riding without training wheels!

A few weeks ago Easton asked Dad to take the training wheels off of his bike. We were a little surprised, but he insisted, so we tried it. On his first try he kept telling Dad to let go. Within 24 hours he could start, stop, and turn, and now he's an old pro. This distinguishes him as the youngest member of our family to reach this milestone. (Danny was 10, Carmen and Eliana were 8, and Emma ... well, after seeing her brother take off on 2 wheels she decided she'd better try it, too. So Emma, at 6-1/2 has followed in her brother's tracks). That means we're a family without diapers and without training wheels.

For those of you who don't have the joy of watching Easton grow up before your very eyes (that's most of you), he is an adorable kid.  He loves to figure out how things work, and often asks for a screwdriver so he can check out the insides of his toys. We'll often find him during his "nap" time with a flashlight all taken apart. He loves to try putting it back together to see if it will still work. It usually does. When given the opportunity, he would almost rather "study" the instruction manual ("map") than play with a toy. He pours through his Thomas the Train catalog, memorizing the names of all the best trains, and carefully examines the instructions for his remote control car set, showing us which parts are missing and how everything works together. Yesterday he got real tools of his very own and two toys that needed batteries installed, including a fire truck and a train (among other things). He was such a happy kid!

Easton's Birthday Lunch at Two Toots Train Restaurant
in Glen Ellyn, Illinois, where your food is delivered to you
 on a model train. A little boy's dream come true!

Trains, tools, musical instruments, books, school, "time with Mom," helping Dad, and hanging out with his sisters are all high on his list of favorite things. And he's high on ours. What a blessing to have been entrusted with Easton! He hasn't lost his baby cheeks, in spite of his other accomplishments, so we'll keep kissing them while we can.

on being a ripe mom . . .

The kids all climbed in bed with us this morning and watched while I opened their carefully-wrapped gifts: a butterfly pin and a tiny clay pot from Emma (age 6), a rock painted to look like a lady bug and a hand print from Easton (age 4), a picture frame for the kids' artwork from Danny, and a card full of coupons from Eliana (age 11). Eliana's coupons had me in stitches. Does she know her mom or what?

• I'll bake you brownies for your study carrel.
• You can force me to help you with your dissertation.
• I will clean up your desk (presumably after I eat the brownies).
• I'll give you a free lecture.
• You can force me to read your "thesus".
• I'll write you a commentary for free! (This, she figured, would be cheaper than buying me one.)

I'm eager to think of a way that Eliana can help with my dissertation. Perhaps helping me pack and move my books into my larger study carrel will be just the thing. I'll get an upgrade later this summer with more shelf and desk space. But meanwhile, my kids are bringing lots of joy to the journey.

Emma wrote an acrostic poem using the letters of my name in honor of Mother's Day.

Creative
Artistic
Ripe (Emma tells me this is much better than being rotten. 
         I trust she does not mean ripe as in "ripe old age" . . .)
Mousy (And this, apparently, means I slowly tell my kids what to do,
             which seems very unlikely, but it does, in fact, start with the letter "m,"
             which is the main thing.)
Encourager
Nice

Another of her "pomes" goes like this:

roses are red
vilot are blue
evreyone loves you
lu! lu! lu!

I'm such a ripe mom, in fact, that this week I took the kids on a spontaneous field trip to Blanchard Hall with Flat Stanley, who was mailed to Emma by a friend in North Carolina.  

 We ate snack together and the kids did their homework, and then we explored all the fun staircases, round rooms, and odd windows in the 140-year-old building that houses Wheaton's top administrators and is named after the school's founder.

I showed them the room where I had my proposal defense last month, and we peeked out of a round window in the main tower to get a view of the Billy Graham Center, where my classes are held. As you can see, we took lots of pictures along the way to document Flat Stanley's historic visit to Blanchard Hall. We'll send pictures back to Emma's friend, Logan.

It's great having places like this just a few steps from our front door, and having children to explore them with me! I am a happy mother indeed.

do you have highlights?

At a recent family meeting, Danny tried something new. "In a minute," he told us. "I'm going to ask each of you to share the highlight and lowlight of your week. So be thinking about what you want to share with the rest of us." (Stay tuned and I'll share mine.)

But Easton (almost 4) couldn't wait a minute. He needed to share right now. "I have a high light!" he exclaimed. We all waited to hear what he had to say. "I can reach it if I climb up on Emma's ladder, and then my room's not dark anymore!" As we all giggled he added, "I have another high light in my closet, but I can reach it if I stand on my bed."

My highlight yesterday was watching Easton check out the latest addition to our family library, the Zondervan Illustrated Bible Background Commentary on the Old Testament, edited by John Walton. A beautiful set! Even Easton thought it was cool. He pointed to every map, asking, "Is this where we live?" Then he found lots of other pictures and kept asking, "Is this from 'Prince of Egypt'?" (My answer was yes.) He did eventually go back to his Thomas the Tank Engine catalog, which is even cooler. But I was delighted to see how much he liked these commentaries!

Commercial break: Check out this fun promo video Dr. Walton sent me yesterday. If you come to ETS or SBL this November you'll be able to buy a set at 50% off (which is what I did at the regional ETS meeting last month). The set takes you through the entire Old Testament, offering insights into the cultural and historical background that can help you understand each chapter.


My highlight today was finishing the last of my 5000+ pages of required reading for the semester. Yahoo!
One more paper to write and I will officially be done with my first year of doctoral study. {brief pause to celebrate} Then I can dive into my summer projects (you guessed it ... read, read, read, and learn French, take a class at Notre Dame, read through the whole Bible, and write my first chapter).

All this reading is giving me highlights of another kind ... long gray ones. They must be a sign of my increasing wisdom (the gray matter is leaking out, right?). I can tell I'm getting smarter because every day that passes I feel like I know less than I did the day before. With every new thing I learn I realize how much more there is to know. Very. Humbling.

So how about you? Do you have any highlights?

eleven

Imagine our surprise to discover this evening that our oldest daughter is now too old to order from the kids menu. Where has the time gone?

Not so long ago Danny and I were at our wits end, trying to figure out just what our little 6 1/2 pound bundle wanted so badly that made her scream all night long. That first night home from the hospital was LONG. And now, suddenly, we have an eleven year old.

She folds laundry. She cooks pancakes and bakes cookies. She asks penetrating questions. She makes homemade bread. She dusts the house and vacuums the stairs. She manages all her own homework. She writes all her own thank you notes. She's reading through the Bible on her own. Where has the time gone?

I knew I had worked myself out of a job when I overheard a conversation in the living room the other day. Emma saw some strange markings and wondered what they were. Eliana told her they were Roman numerals. Before I could make it to the living room to seize the teachable moment, Eliana beat me to it. In one minute flat Emma (age 6) had the system down pat, thanks to a big sister who is really good at explaining things.

Eliana and I made our way downtown this weekend to visit the American Girl store. It was "Addy" day, so we brought Addy along for the adventure. And what an adventure it was! We took 3 trains to get there and 3 trains to get back. If you ever decide to brave downtown Chicago on public transportation, be sure to let me know first. I can tell you from experience how not to do it! Eventually we got there and had a lovely time. Eliana treated us to tea at the American Girl restaurant with her birthday money. What fun! Then we set out on the 2+ hour trek home.

I have always dreaded middle school. It was so rough for me, and kids can be so mean. The other night I was lying in bed when this truth dawned on me: she's ready. Eliana is ready for middle school. Changing classes and managing assignments and navigating conflict and finding solid friends. She's confident and mature, smart and fun. Now that we're here I'm not a bit worried. You go girl!

kisses and sardines

Easton (3) has been very verbal lately. He loves to explain how things work. His flashlight has a "handy button" that you can push to make the light come back on. His "logic" keeps us all in stitches. Dress-up clothes are a staple of his daily activities, and we never know whether he'll walk into the room as a fireman or a swimmer, a ballerina or a baseball player. Often it's some combination of all four, the more layers the better. He's been especially snuggly as well, and asked the other day, "Mom, may I kiss you on your kiss?" Adorable.

Emma (6) is trying out new words as well, and she doesn't let grammar get in the way of a good explanation. Yesterday, as she wrapped her head with an elastic ice pack (?!), she annouced, "I am busy fascinating my hair." She and Easton often play house (sometimes Eliana joins them), and Emma is always the mom. That makes me "grandma," and I'm now accustomed to responding to "grandma" and ignoring Easton when he calls for "mom" because he doesn't mean me.

We've recently discovered a few new games that the entire family enjoys. Sardines is the current favorite. In case you're not familiar with it, sardines is like hide-and-seek except that only one person hides while everyone else counts. The counters then split up to look for the hider. If you find the hider, you hide with them until only one person is left looking. Our house is ideal for this game, especially with all the lights off, and last night Eliana set a new record. We searched the entire house, thoroughly, several times before I found her huddled in the dark basement shadows. I joined her and another 10 minutes or more elapsed before Emma found us, and then Danny and Easton. Fun times. Easton has been especially brave about searching through the dark house. Sometimes he tags along with one of us; sometimes not.

Last week we enjoyed getting to know our house guest from Germany who was here interviewing for Wheaton's PhD program. She demonstrated just how well-rounded she is by reading to the kids, discussing theology, helping me with German, sharing some of her story, and . . . playing hide-and-seek with us. The whole family was delighted to hear that she was accepted and will be coming to Wheaton in the fall! Whenever she needs a study break she can head on over to our house for entertainment (as long as she brings us German chocolate) :). Congratulations, Eva!

Spiritual Life of Missionaries: Lessons Learned from the Field

If you're new to my blog, then you might not know that Danny and I have been missionaries with SIM for the past 10 years. I was recently asked to share with undergraduate students at Wheaton on the topic of spiritual formation for missionaries. I thought that perhaps some of you would appreciate hearing our story as well. Living in the Philippines was very difficult for us spiritually, not so much because of Filipino language, culture, or climate, though learning to live there had its challenges. The biggest challenges for us were internal, related to our expectations and identity, and missional, related to our roles and opportunities for service. I hope that our story is helpful to you in some way!
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Danny and I were model candidates for missions. We were both Bible college graduates with supportive families and a strong sending church. We had experience in short-term missions and in church ministry. We were considered “strong Christians” by all who knew us. We passed our psychological and other evaluations with flying colors. We set a new record in SIM: In less than 12 months we had completed all of SIM’s pre-field training requirements, sold or stored all of our worldly goods, raised all of our support, and were on a plane bound for the Philippines. Our vision was crystal clear: we were going to see a reproducing church planted among a minority ethnic group in the Philippines.  Danny would serve our SIM team by handling the administrative tasks that bogged them down. I would engage in outreach and eventually Bible teaching and discipleship. We planned to stay a really long time.

But then we landed in Manila and reality hit. Learning Tagalog would not be easy. Sweating all the time was not fun. Our team was spread out across a sprawling metropolis with some of the worst traffic jams in the world. We were isolated, lonely, and discouraged. But worst of all, after a grueling year of language study, it was no longer clear to us how we could even help. Danny’s administrative tasks only took him a few hours per month. Our team was too small to need a full-time administrator, and SIM was actively considering whether any more westerners should even be sent to the Philippines. I tried no less than 7 different ministries inside the local neighborhood where our target people group lived. Every one of them was a flop.

We thought we were going to the Philippines use our gifts to build God’s kingdom. But we were frustrated at every turn. Danny is most fully alive when he is in some kind of helping role -- working behind the scenes to make things happen (which is why I’m here speaking while he is shuttling our kids between school and after-school activities) -- but Filipinos wouldn’t let him set up chairs or clean up after an event. Such tasks are too menial for a white man. And our western teammates didn’t actually need his help. It was very debilitating for him. I, on the other hand, had gone to teach, but for the first time in my life I sensed very strongly that God was asking me to keep my mouth shut. It was time to learn. As time dragged on my confidence gradually drained away. I began to doubt if I had anything worth saying.

I remember very distinctly one day walking in the tropical heat down a crowded street to the open market to do my shopping. I looked at the street vendors lining the sidewalk … watched them arranging their goods. I knew they would be lucky to make 50 pesos of profit in a day, and that they had left their babies home in the care of older siblings, some only 5 or 6 years old. At any moment the police could show up and clear the place out. Sidewalk vending was illegal. But it was the only way they could find to survive. Suddenly I felt very empty. What did I have to offer that these people actually needed? My sophisticated methods of Bible study were useless to them. Their modes of thinking and learning were almost entirely oral. Their focus was on survival. What’s more, they were already cheerful, generous, selfless. When I looked deep inside myself, I saw no great reserves of those qualities, or any others that would give evidence of a spirit-empowered life -- joy, faith, peace, gentleness, self-control. Spiritually-speaking I was just about bankrupt.

About a year after we arrived in the Philippines, I wrote this poem in my journal and later posted it on my (old) blog. It will give you a window on my heart in that very dry and difficult season.

empty

before I journeyed here
my heart was full
  ideas
    skills
      techniques
        strategies
now I sojourn
far from home
emptied of all I once knew
        nameless
      voiceless
    useless?
afraid that before I find
my voice in this culture
I will have nothing left to say
what was profound and meaningful before
now seems
        out-of-touch
      foreign
    irrelevant
  unneeded
so, Lord, I sit here
empty
like the jars at Cana lacking wine
thirsty for You to fill me again
with your living water
so I can pour
into the lives You've gathered
around me

Come, Lord Jesus,
do your miracle in me.

God’s answer to my prayer was not what I expected. There was no instant miracle. I hoped for overflowing joy or successful ministry opportunities or at least peace that we were on the right track. He gave us none of these. But he did give us a gift that we learned to treasure – his gift was longing. Danny and I became desperate for God. We were constantly and painfully aware of our own weaknesses, our inabilities, our absolute need for Him. We lived every day for months on end with an ache in our souls that would not go away. A craving for God to do something. A thirst for his presence. And we waited. We waited beyond what we thought we could bear and then waited some more.

During that lonely season, authors—dead ones, even—became some of my most trusted spiritual guides. Henri Nouwen, Larry Crabb, Lettie Cowman.

Henri Nouwen taught me (in his books Wounded Healer and Reaching Out) that ministers of the gospel must be unafraid to venture into the depths of their own soul so that they can lead others to wholeness in a fragmented world. Being broken is not the end of ministry, it is the surest beginning. I was certainly broken, and I did not like what I saw in my own soul. But Nouwen said this was as it should be.

Larry Crabb’s book Shattered Dreams also ministered to me deeply. In it he wrestles with the same questions we were asking. He wonders out loud why God allows suffering: "He could do something. Yet He does nothing, at least not what we ask Him to do. Why? To deepen our desire for His Presence, to strengthen our passion to pursue Him, to help us see how preoccupied we are with filling our God-shaped souls with something less than God." (121)

Crabb says, "When God seems most absent from us, He is doing His most important work in us." (157) I clung to the hope that somehow God was using our isolation and struggle to do something deep in us.

Lettie Cowman’s Streams in the Desert was also a source of hope. I learned that some of God’s most precious gifts can only come to us wrapped in suffering. There is simply no other way to receive them. God does not delight in our pain, but he delights in the deep work that he is able to do in us in the midst of that pain. "There are blessings we can never have unless we are ready to pay the price of pain. There is no way to reach them save through suffering." (Sept 19, quoting Dr. Miller)

My season of silence did not end until we came home from the Philippines. It was the longest two and a half years of our lives. Eventually SIM recommended that we change fields and serve where Danny’s skills were more critically needed. We returned to the states and moved to Charlotte, NC where Danny began working for a new ministry of SIM based out of the International office. The six years we spent there were some of our richest and happiest years. Everything seemed to go our way. Our kids had great schools, we found a great church, lived in a great house in a great neighborhood with great neighbors. I got to go to seminary, which I absolutely loved. Danny’s job with SIM was a perfect fit for his personality and gifting. After six years in Charlotte God opened the door for me to continue my education here at Wheaton. I’m working on a PhD in Old Testament under Dr. Block. Once again our situation is totally ideal – house, schools, jobs, everything. Danny has been able to continue serving in his role with SIM remotely, and this year we’re approaching our 10-year anniversary of service with SIM.

We are of course relieved to have moved out of a dry and difficult season of life and ministry. But happiness has its drawbacks. I have carried with me a deep sense of appreciation for the spiritual desert that we lived in for 2 years in the Philippines. I met God in a powerful way, ironically, through his “absence.” I discovered new things about myself, my own limitations, and my desperate need for the Savior. That gift never comes through success and victory and ease. It only comes wrapped in suffering. And it has changed me, I hope, forever.

once-a-month baking day

People often ask me, "How do you do it?" Organization is key. Being married to an administrator helps. A LOT. For years we've talked about doing "once-a-month cooking" or at least making extra meals to freeze. But we didn't have a big freezer until now, nor did we have a need to be this organized. So, in hopes that this method might help somebody else out there in cyberspace . . . here's what we did this morning.

Some of our favorite homemade and (relatively) healthy foods are wheat bread, baked oatmeal, bran muffins, and whole wheat peanut butter cookies. Life is way too full to bake as often as we want to eat baked goods, so Danny devised a method to make it easier to bake with limited time.

We put all the dry ingredients for a batch of homemade bread in a ziplock and store it in the freezer. When it's time to bake, we only have to add water, butter and yeast. We use a breadmaker for the bread and make about 2 loaves/week. (Making a loaf of bread is one of Eliana's chores on Saturday. It's easy enough for a 10-year-old to do it!) What you see in the photo is 10 "loaves" of bread all ready to go. We reuse the bags each month to cut down on waste. Baked oatmeal works the same way. I made pancake mix this morning as well, so we have a container of dry pancake mix that's ready for water, eggs, and oil.

Cookies and muffins are different. We make a double batch of our favorite healthy cookie recipe every couple of months and freeze the cookies in large freezer bags. At our house we have cookies for snack on Sunday afternoons. (They're so healthy, though, that I confess we had nothing but cookies for lunch today while they were hot and fresh.) They're made with whole wheat flour, wheat germ, oats, powdered milk, and natural peanut butter. Yum!

Danny found a method online for making muffins ahead of time. We mix up 6 batches of muffins all at once and then freeze the batter in quart-size freezer bags. The night before we want muffins, we move one bag from the freezer to the fridge, and it's thawed by morning. In the morning we cut off one of the bottom corners of the freezer bag and sqeeze the batter into muffin tins and bake. So easy! Nothing beats fresh hot muffins, especially Raspberry Bran muffins! Obviously the muffin bags can't be reused, but the rest can.

I did a big batch of muffin batter last weekend, and this morning we did the rest:

• 10 bags of bread mix
• 6 bags of baked oatmeal mix
• 1 large batch of pancake mix (for 3 meals)
• 8 dozen cookies

We slept in, lazed around for a while, and were still done by noon! Yes, we made a colossal mess, but we'll be eating the results for up to 2 months. It requires planning ahead to make sure we have enough ingredients on hand. (We got tired of trying to find aluminum-free baking powder around here, so we order it from Amazon). In case you're curious, most of our favorite recipes come from the More With Less Cookbook. It's a Mennonite cookbook that focuses on healthy and affordable meals that families will actually eat. We're delighted to have found a way to keep using these recipes, even with limited time for baking. Hope some of you will find ways to do it, too!

gotta love 3

Yesterday Easton told Grandma excitedly, "I'm going to be Daddy's age this year!"

He is growing up fast, but we hope not that fast! I have to say . . . I will miss 3. It's one of the best ages ever. Easton is learning so much about the world around him, trying out new words, initiating friendships, reciting Bible verses, trying to read and write, and making all of us laugh a lot.

Here are a few of our favorites from the past week:

Easton, to me, while I was applying lotion to my face: "When I was your age, I used that lotion, too." He must be gradually getting younger. Danny brought Easton's pants to the bathroom and set them on some drawers. Easton piped up cheerfully, "Hey, I said put them on the stool!" Danny said, "No you didn't. You didn't even mention stool." Easton conceded, "Oh. Well, I didn't know that when I was your age."
(Logic comes later, I think, which is why these days we're hearing lots of "becauses" in the wrong places.)

On another occasion he decided to measure himself. Using his fingers to estimate, he 'hopped' them up his entire body and back down again, counting. Then he announced the result: "I'm 19!" I asked him, "19 what?" He said joyfully, "19 feet!"

It's nice having such a tall boy when there might be monsters in the basement. Once he reassured me by saying, "There's no bad guys, just plain guys."

Probably my favorite thing to overhear is when he says, "Eliana, would you like to share a friendship with me?" He likes to reiterate this on a daily basis, and remind his sisters that "sharing a friendship means being nice to each other." Three-way friendships are a little more tricky, but this morning they were happily sailing on the couch together as a threesome—a great start to the day. Easton's teachers report that he is very good about "sharing friendships" with all of his classmates at school. Excellent.

His impulse for friendship and encouragement extends to adults, too. One of my classmates is his "best friend." Recently, out of the blue, he told me kindly, "Mom, I like you just the way you are." To which I replied, "I like you just the way you are, too, Easton!" And how couldn't I? This kid is adorable.

Merry Christmas!

I hope you've had a lovely day celebrating the birth of our Savior!

My talented husband put together a video of our "year to remember." Click here to watch it for yourself. It's about 12 minutes long (be sure to wait for the out takes at the end -- the best part).

I received my grades for the fall semester yesterday . . . putting closure on an intense semester just in time to relax with family.

I'm blessed to know so many wonderful friends around the world. Thanks for reading my blog! It's been a joy to share the journey with you this year.

Halloween: should Christians participate?

This is a controversial issue. My husband, Danny, posted a question about Halloween on Facebook, and within a day or two there were several dozen comments. Here's the way I see it:

I can discern at least four approaches Christians might take to the Halloween question.

1. Full Participation. Those who take this approach typically argue that dressing up and eating candy are "good, clean fun." If there is a dark history to this "holiday," it is no longer relevant today because people don't think of Halloween in those terms. Both Danny and I grew up with this mindset. My family dressed up and went trick-or-treating until I was 11 or 12. I was even a witch one year! When I was in junior high we started to become aware of the reality of Satan and his work in the world, and the idea of pretending to be witches or ghosts very quickly lost its appeal.

2. Alternative Events. In the Pacific Northwest, it's very common for churches to offer an alternative event where kids can come and have fun without the danger of trick-or-treating through dark neighborhoods or encountering scary costumes. When Danny and I moved to Charlotte we were surprised to find that no churches in our area offered alternative "harvest" events. This forced us to rethink our own stance towards Halloween. We could either hide in the back room or participate.

3. Missional Participation. We decided then that Halloween was an opportunity to build memories with our neighbors, deepen our roots in the neighborhood, and minimize the "weirdness" of Christianity. The first year, we gave out mini water bottles to trick-or-treaters with a printed labels that read,

"Thirsty from all that candy?

'Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again,

but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst.

Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water

welling up to eternal life.'" 

- Jesus (John 4:13-14)

Another year we gave out little flashlights that said "Jesus is the light." After 3 or 4 years of participation, though, we began to wonder if it was really making any difference. We'd rather our kids not be out where they can be exposed to hideous costumes. Even though it's just "pretend" it can be traumatic for kids to be confronted with gruesome, evil masks.

4. No Participation. And that's why we're toying with the idea of having a simple family night on Halloween. Why participate at all in a "holiday" that celebrates what is dark and gruesome and scary? Our Jehovah's Witness friends seem to have happy, well-adjusted children, even without letting them trick-or-treat. Will our children really be worse off if we abstain?

I don't think there is one right answer for Christians. As one friend pointed out on Facebook, it's possible to participate in Halloween yet have a well-developed understanding of the reality and danger of evil. He argued that Halloween has largely lost its connection to its pagan roots. A comic from the latest Christianity Today magazine depicts pagans who are disgruntled over the commercialization of their sacred day. Just as we insist on recognizing the real meaning of the Christmas holiday, so I think we ought to take seriously the historical significance of Halloween.

I'd like to suggest a couple of questions that Christians could be asking as they wrestle with this issue.

What does Halloween mean in our context?
What will our level of participation communicate to our neighbors?
How does our level of participation affect children (ours or those we come in contact with)?
Would Jesus be comfortable joining our family on Oct 31?
Most importantly, how can we represent him well this season?

There is not one right answer to these questions. It will depend on your situation and the specific sphere of ministry to which you are called. As you discuss these issues, you might find the following Scriptures helpful: Deuteronomy 18:9-13; Romans 14; Philippians 4:8; 1 Peter 4:14-16.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed,

do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,

giving thanks to God the Father through him."

Colossians 3:17

top 10 things to love about life in Wheaton

Make that 20. There is a lot to love about this place!

20. Trains. More than 100/day, we're told (though I don't notice them often). Easton is in boy-heaven.

19. Church Bells. On the quarter hour.

18. Bicycles. There are bike racks everywhere. Often they are full. It probably comes from being a college town where Freshmen are not allowed to have cars. We love it. Just 2 blocks from our house is a great bike path that leads to playgrounds, bridges, and beautiful scenery.

17. No yard work. One of the coolest things about the house we're renting is that it came with yardwork and snow removal and ...

16. Two of the best landlords on the planet. Chuck and Vicki are so responsive and generous. Their family owns 5 houses in a row, which makes for a great community.

15. A small elementary school. In Charlotte our kids' school was one of 99 elementary schools in the district. Here there are only 13. We can really tell the difference. Less beaurocracy. More freedom for teachers and parents.

14. Aldi. Our favorite grocery store is here. The store is small and quiet. The food is delicious and inexpensive. There are no decisions to make, because there is only one brand of everything!

13. The Gym. Wheaton College has a great gym, and it's free for students and their families. Four gymnasiums, an indoor track, an exercise room, and a huge swimming pool. This morning we spent an hour playing indoor soccer as a family and trying out the track. When it gets too cold to play outside, this will be awesome!

12. Events on campus. We're just a few steps away from endless opportunities: film screenings, concerts, meetings, lectures by world-renowned experts on various subjects, chapel services, etc. Tonight Eliana and I watched Wheaton's symphony orchestra perform ... free! In a couple of weeks, Emma will walk with her public school class to Wheaton's campus for a concert.

11.The Cosley Zoo. It's small. It's free. It's less than 2 miles away.

10. The public library. We can see it from our front door. It's the biggest and best library we have ever seen. And Eliana can walk there by herself!

9. A full basement. Though unfinished, it holds a LOT of stuff. It's part shower room, part laundry room, part storage, and part play area.

8. Friendly neighbors. Yesterday Easton gave a concert-on-training-wheels to Mark & Julie and me. His face just lights up whenever "Mr. Keith" comes home from work. Emma sparkles when we tell her she can go out and play with the Wall kids. Eliana's had play dates with two of her friends from school already.

7. The Popcorn Shop. A converted alley between two stores has been popping fresh batches of popcorn pretty much non-stop for over 100 years. They still sell penny candy, the popcorn is only 75 cents, and we can walk there!

6. My study carrel. It is a HUGE blessing to have a little office of my own where I can leave my books and supplies. When I close the door it's just me and my books, with nothing but e-mail to distract me. Wheaton is unique among other schools in providing this kind of space for doctoral students. I am really thankful.

5. Time. My Amazing Husband has figured out how to do almost all the shopping, laundry, cleaning, dishes (by hand!), and cooking while still getting his work done so that I can focus on my studies and spend time with the kids. Last weekend he took all 3 of them camping for 3 days while I studied and studied and studied. Wow. Wow. Wow.

4. Glorious weather (so far, anyway!). The leaves are turning colors, and there is a chill in the air. We packed away our A/C units and fans weeks ago, and have been wearing coats and scarves ever since. Lovely.

3. Learning Community. Around noon most of the PhD students emerge from their study carrels and convene in the library cafe to eat and talk. A few of us are meeting to share dissertation resources. On Wednesdays, Danny and Easton join us. Very cool. Every other thursday all of Dr. Block's PhD students (a.k.a. "Blockheads") have lunch together in the cafeteria, his treat. If only we could freeze those moments in time. Priceless.

2. Pedestrians. Everywhere. This is definitely a walking culture, and we're in a prime ...

1. LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION. I walk down the street to school. Danny walks the kids to school. Then he walks upstairs to work. We walk to the library. We walk to downtown Wheaton. We walk to events on campus. We walk to the campus restaurant (where the whole family can eat for $12!). We walk to the train that will take us to downtown Chicago. We can even walk to church, though we haven't settled on one yet. We're probably putting 8 miles/week on our van. :)